I’m 26 years old; I was 18 weeks pregnant with my first child, when the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life took place!
We were very excited going in to see my OB on March 6th 2008, to find out the sex of our first child (we even brought a video tape). The technician took a look as we laughed in excitement over the heart beat. My next breath (as it seems), I had three doctors staring at my ultrasound computer telling me that my baby girl had never developed a skull (a rare Neural Tube Disorder {0.10 chance}). They said that she had no chance of living outside of the womb and that our only option was to have a procedure called Dilation & Evacuation (D&E), it just sounded scary! I, of course, got a second opinion, but all they did was confirm my doctor’s diagnosis.
I did as much research as possible to make sure that my baby really did not have any chance of living, if I was to give birth, I mean, come on, her heart was still beating strong! My research answer: she would be a vegetable for about an hour, she wouldn’t be able to hear or feel anything then she would pass away. Right then, my decision was made. Why would I want to do any more damage to my family by carrying full term, if there was no chance for my little girl? Why would I want to do that to her? The way I saw it was, if she can’t feel anything, then it won’t hurt her, it will only hurt me (like a true mother looking out for her child). I truly felt that she would have more pain in that 1 hour of her life then if I took that life from her now.
So I decided to have the D&E. It was the worst day of my life. I understand that every loss is a loss and that no loss is more of a loss then the rest, but her heart was still beating when I had my procedure. Just the thought of them taking her from me when she was still alive, crushed me. They had to give me a sedative at the hospital.
All I remember is waking up feeling empty inside. Thank god for my family and friends or I would have never gotten through it. My only wish to those going through this sort of thing is to have a true support network. You need the people in your life that understand that it’s ok to just cry, it’s ok to feel the way that you’re feeling.
After about a week of not eating or sleeping, I called my doctor. I must have cried for about 23 hours of everyday (they prescribed me Valium – it didn’t help – it just numbed the pain for the time being). It just takes time.
Here I am, almost 4 weeks post-op and doing fine. They gave me a script for Zoloft but I really don’t think I need to fill it. What worked for me was getting back into my normal routine, work & working out (it will help you mentally & physically– I promise).
I have a follow up on the 23rd (we get the results from my amniocentesis), we will find out if it was genetic or just a fluke thing. If it was a fluke thing, we can try again as soon as I get a regular period. If it was genetic, we are considered “High Risk” and have to wait 3-6 months to try again.
To anyone that read my long story, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Your day will come, just like mine. Child Birth is truly a miracle, so don’t get discouraged if you hit a couple of bumps in the road!
